Hoban I have a couple quotes that really speak to the grieving parent’s heart. I found that they each say so much that I was feeling and said myself during those early surreal days after you had died.
The first was that you were in fact a person and our child who died. Sadly not even the medical profession seems to grasp that fact and has a slew of cold terms that diminish children lost during pregnancy, at and after birth occurs. So a quote stating how you are in fact a person and our child who died was relevant as not everyone seemed to act like that. Just because they hadn’t seen you born and a name for your existence they just brushed it off. I have to admit I have not directly brushed off other babies who were lost during pregnancy as it’s still someone’s child, but there is a sense in society that it’s expected and less of a loss somehow. And that is just not true.
The second quote describes the unimaginable pain and heart break of one’s child dying, feeling your heart break and then to be surreally still breathing yourself. Despite feeling a part of you has in fact died now. It’s the strangest feeling. For me a part of my brain was still numbing me beyond the time I felt my heart break. My heart also didn’t give off the physical pain sensations of the break immediately when I was told you were dead. I just felt sick to my stomach. Like someone had kicked me with an elephant and all I could do was throw up and never stop. Just completely winded and nauseous! Also I was in shock and disbelief despite what I was and wasn’t seeing and hearing on the monitors. It’s not the first time I have been in shock and having a hazy cotton wool feeling around me along with the fight and flight trapped feeling coursing through my body and the rage and disbelief. I needed time for the heart breaking pains to hit me and when it did I was at home and probably a month or maybe two, time is fuzzy looking back in those early days now. I suddenly felt those horrid waves of crazy nausea and in my chest I felt this strange shift and pains and your dad was home so I told him. My breath caught in my throat and like a flood gate of deep dark sadness and pain ripped through me and I literally felt my heart shattering. I was scared and thought it was some strange anxiety attack or a heart attack but he said it wasn’t. That was heart break. For all the trauma and heart breaks I had been through in my life. That was the only one that rocked me so deeply and overwhelmingly. There are no words. Only I hope that I never feel that again. Remembering it I still get chills and waves of that intense nausea – YUCK!
So those are my two quotes and they still remain relevant even today at this stage of the grieving process. Not enough has changed in the social attitude yet for the first one to be less prevalent and the second, well that will always be relatable for someone who loved a child and had them torn away.